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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..." Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?" #other@Sickipedia

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks. I love being a postman. #other@Sickipedia

What did the dad reply to the mom who said "I've had enough, I'm selling my kid on eBay"? "Don't be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy." #other@Sickipedia

Wife just phoned her husband and the conversation went like this:- Wife: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?" Husband: "Yeah." Wife: "Well, wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds." Husband: "Right... I've done that"... Wife: "OK, you see the Gladiator at the front fighting the Lion?" Husband: "I can see that, yeah." Wife: "OK, well, just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a sword fight with each other". Husband: "Okay, yeah, I see them." Wife: "Well, behind those two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a Gladiator holding a spear". Husband: "Yes...! I can see him".. Wife: "Right..!... Those are the Sandals I want for my Birthday" #other@Sickipedia

A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them. I'm proud to say i've never heard my wife say something like that. #other@Sickipedia

I just found my first grey pubic hair today Just wish it wasn’t in my coffee I got from McDonald’s #other@Sickipedia

A hacker called and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said 'Thank God for that, what are they?' #other@Sickipedia

A man goes to the eye doctor Doctor: your test results just came back. Man: Can I see them? Doc: probably not! #other@Sickipedia

I was in a restuarant last night and was unhappy with my meal. So, I called the waiter over and said, "Waiter, my soup is cold!" The waiter replied, "It's Gazpacho." So I said, " Gazpacho, my soup is cold!" #other@Sickipedia

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you… "You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?" #other@Sickipedia

A woman visits the Noah's Ark Museum Once inside, she is fascinated by the one exhibit entitled "The Lion lays down with the Lamb". It is a zoo like enclosure with a lion and a lamb living in it. The woman asks the tour guide, "So I guess this shows how the Lord made predators and prey coexist on the Ark." The guide answers, "Exactly, just like it is happening in this exhibit" "Do they ever fight?", she asks. "Occasionally" "What do you then?" "We get another lamb" #other@Sickipedia

A million dollars won't make you any happier I have $100 million now but I was just as happy when I had $99 million. #other@Sickipedia