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Cop pulls over a man and says “You were driving on the wrong side of the road.” Driver: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?? #other @Sickipedia

I just asked my 9 year old son what he learned in school today He said “apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow”. #other @Sickipedia

My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed.. But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?! #other @Sickipedia

I once lived just a stone's throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries #other @Sickipedia

A blonde boards the plane, and proceeds to take a window seat… A guy walks in right behind her, and says: “I’m sorry but you’re in my seat”, to which the blonde responds: “Get lost.” The guy: “Oh yeah?! Then I hope you know how to fly the plane.” #other @Sickipedia

What has four legs but cannot walk? Half a spider. #other @Sickipedia

I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker." #other @Sickipedia

This guy walks into a library and loudly asks the librarian … “hey, can I get an order of fish and chips?” The librarian is confused and responds, “excuse me sir, this is a Library.” The guy looks and around, leans over to the librarian and whispers very quietly. … “I’m sorry. Can I get an order of fish and chips?” #other @Sickipedia

I wasn’t close to my father when he died... Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. #other @Sickipedia

What is a man, mansplaining to another man called? A podcast. #other @Sickipedia

A man poked his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?" Glancing at the full shop, the barber replied, "Around 2 hours." The man left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!" #other @Sickipedia

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means?" The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged." #other @Sickipedia