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The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him. "Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously. The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?" Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news." The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning." "Oh no!" gasped Wilkens. After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?" The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch." Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?" With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow." #other@Sickipedia

My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing. I forgot the shopping list #other@Sickipedia

The secret to a long life is to wake up every morning and…uh…uh, that’s about it. ~ George Burns #other@Sickipedia

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed. I told him “bro, you were there!” #other@Sickipedia

I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal I got fired #other@Sickipedia

Breaking news: Scientists have finally discovered how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid. Turns out, the Pharaoh placed the first block himself, then got two guys to place the next two blocks, telling them they'd get a cut if they found four guys to place the next four blocks, who then found eight guys to place the next eight blocks, who found sixteen guys to place the next sixteen blocks... #other@Sickipedia

An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today. I told him it was between 9am and 3pm. #other@Sickipedia

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word. The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves. The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here." The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?" #other@Sickipedia

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my school karate classes became useful. #other@Sickipedia

I met a girl who said she wouldn’t date me because I used a dumb phone. So I texted her back 222666666555066655022999333333. #other@Sickipedia not sure about the original version of this joke, but the working one is 22266666655506665502299933, which is COOL OK BYE

I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?” So they gave me a cushion to sit on. #other@Sickipedia

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar." "Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice." "Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs." The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song. "That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender. "Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'." "I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired. A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence. Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?" "Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!" #other@Sickipedia