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My grandmother said I inherited my grandfather’s lovely big brown eyes. It made me cry … … because what I really wanted was his money. #other@Sickipedia

A very frugal couple always used to brag to each other how much money they could save. One day the husband arrived home from work and said, "Today I saved $1.50. I ran behind the bus rather than riding it." The wife responded, "IDIOT! Had you run behind a cab, you could have saved $15.00!" #other@Sickipedia

Man 1: what's the diffrence between toilet paper and drapes? Man 2: Well drapes are thicker Man 1: So it was you #other@Sickipedia

Leonardo DiCaprio has removed all his movies from Netflix. Netflix turned 27 this year. #other@Sickipedia

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see. #other@Sickipedia

If I ever hit the lottery, I guarantee everyone around me will be rich. I'll be moving to Beverly Hills. #other@Sickipedia

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy. "Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much." "I am surprised myself, " she replied. "He hated the book." #other@Sickipedia

A father and son are out in a field and the father says "Son everything you see before you will be yours when I die" The son replies: but father I'm blind, I can't see anything? The father says: yes and I'm poor #other@Sickipedia

My therapist just told me: From now on, please make an effort to forget all the people who have hurt you. I replied: I will. Then she told me: "Today's appointment is 500 dollars." I asked her: "Do i know you?" #other@Sickipedia

Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something." Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?" Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie. Lois says, "... who the hell is that?" #other@Sickipedia

I accidentally changed the car GPS Voice to “Male." Now it says, “It's around here somewhere. Keep driving." #other@Sickipedia

My wife asked my to read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no. I’m too good for it, and I feel like the book is going to bore me. #other@Sickipedia