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"Why are you so calm?". "I never argue with stupid people. I just say 'you're right' and move on. "That's ridiculous!". "You're right." #roast@Sickipedia

My buddy quit his job at BMW. He of course gave no indication that he was leaving. #roast@Sickipedia

My wife asked me, “Can we have some peace and quiet while I cook dinner?” So I took out the batteries from the smoke alarm. #roast@Sickipedia

I had a big fight with my wife, I yelled at her, "When you finally die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah well," she shouted back, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last." #roast@Sickipedia

My coworker said: “ You should not eat red meat.” I said, “My grandmother lived to be 97.”… She said, “Did she eat red meat?” I said, “No. She minded her own business.” #roast@Sickipedia

I named my daughter after my mother-in-law. Raving Psycho will soon be a year old. #roast@Sickipedia

My son’s teacher thinks my son has a low IQ judging by his homework. That’s absurd! My son is perfectly normal! I did his homework. #roast@Sickipedia

My wife asked me, "is it just me or is the cat getting fat?" "no, it's just you." #roast@Sickipedia

I asked my mom If I was an accident. She said, "No, of course not. Your brother was the accident. You were a mistake". #roast @Sickipedia

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. #roast @Sickipedia

A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, "Yes son, we call it your mother." #roast @Sickipedia

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!" #roast @Sickipedia