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I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?” So they gave me a cushion to sit on. #other@Sickipedia

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar." "Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice." "Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs." The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song. "That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender. "Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'." "I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired. A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence. Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?" "Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!" #other@Sickipedia

Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?" Dad: "No." Me: "So it was you." #other @Sickipedia

My wife said she is divorcing me saying that I was to un-American. Saw it coming from a kilometer away. #other @Sickipedia

The punchline comes before the joke. You know why I hate time travel jokes? #other @Sickipedia

I asked my GF if she likes 6 inch or 12 inch She got offended and said it is a matter of personal choice. Going to Subway for a sandwich can be difficult. #other @Sickipedia

A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!” #other @Sickipedia

Women are refusing to sleep with men now that trump got re-elected Apparently, my wife predicted the election two years ago! #other @Sickipedia

A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.” Her husband’s voice from the bathroom: “Hey, it’s my day off!” #other @Sickipedia

A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!" He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer. "Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway. The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks. "That's all the beer you can drink for $1." #other @Sickipedia

I've discovered the secret to happiness. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat on my girlfriend. Do you know what I do instead? I lie. #other @Sickipedia

My girlfriend called and said to me in a sexy voice “You should come over, no one is home”. So I went over…. No one was home. #other @Sickipedia