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A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size! #other @Sickipedia

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out. #other @Sickipedia

Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death! Bard: You can count on me! Dwarf: You can count on me! Necromancer: You can count on your brother! #other @Sickipedia

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..." #other @Sickipedia

The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell Tells you about the anticipated traffic. #other @Sickipedia

A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers. "What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig." "One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!" "That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?" "Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once." #other @Sickipedia

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?" #other @Sickipedia

Here’s a knock at the front door and both , grandpa and grandkid peep through the curtains… Grandpa whispers to the kid: it’s your teacher. go hide, you skipped school today. Grandkid whispers back to grandpa: you go hide, I told her you passed away #other @Sickipedia

I was fired the other day, so I handed back my badge and my gun. The boss said to me: "You work in McDonalds, where the hell did you get those?" #other @Sickipedia

A woman is angry with her husband and says… “My best friend’s husband still flirts with her in public. He touches her and kisses her. They still have sex all the time. Why can’t you do any of that?” So her husband says “It sounds like he’d be in my way. Besides, I barely know the woman.” #other @Sickipedia

I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.” Her: What’s that? Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now. #other @Sickipedia

I will be posting my jokes telepathically today. If you think of something funny, it was me. #other @Sickipedia