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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too". Walks into a bar They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass? #other @Sickipedia

When you die people cry and beg for you to come back but, when you do, they freak out #other @Sickipedia

How do you make a cow go "woof"? Cover it in petrol and set it on fire. #other @Sickipedia

Each day thousands of people arrive in our country. They don't have any useful labor skills, they don't even speak the language. They basically sap on our already scarce resources and eventually they will get our jobs. Babies are completely useless! #other @Sickipedia

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” I went in as Batman. #other @Sickipedia

A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved... ...It's called marriage. #other @Sickipedia

Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano? They're extinct. #other @Sickipedia

A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?” “A goldfish” I said. She then asked “any hobbies?” I replied “he likes swimming.” #other @Sickipedia

People these days are so judgemental I can tell just by looking at them #other @Sickipedia

Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager. Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now. #other @Sickipedia

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying. I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend. #other @Sickipedia

Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it #other @Sickipedia