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I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess. #other @Sickipedia

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless. #other @Sickipedia

Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly. #other @Sickipedia

I got thrown out of a Hindu temple for saying YOLO #other @Sickipedia

I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week. Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went. "She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain." "Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?" "No, the settlement also says I can't complain." #other @Sickipedia

I keep forgetting my password so I changed it to "incorrect" Now if I forget it I just put in anything and it says "your password is incorrect". #other @Sickipedia

What's the worst part about sitting in traffic? Drivers constantly yelling at you to stand up and get off the road. #other @Sickipedia

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. " What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him — he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" #other @Sickipedia

My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said... It’s the only way I can see the numbers! #other @Sickipedia

When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo. #other @Sickipedia

Supposedly 30% of the world's population lets their pets sleep in bed with them. I'm really upset though, because I tried it yesterday and now my goldfish is dead. #other @Sickipedia

My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits. I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing. #other @Sickipedia