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It's a known fact that girls mature faster than boys: Girls get boobs around 13 years of age, and boy don't get boobs until about 40. #other @Sickipedia

My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and is due to pop any day now. My parents came out to visit us and to help with the baby when it arrives. I was sitting on the back porch with my father talking, and he said. "Son, you're going to be a father yourself soon. I'm very proud of you, and I think you're ready for this.* With that, he gave me a very old book, richly bound, with the title in gold letters reading "1001 Dad Jokes." My eyes filled with tears of love. "Dad." I said, around the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat, "I'm honored." My father smiled at me and said, "HI HONORED, I'M DAD." #other @Sickipedia

One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately. The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?" Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside." Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside." Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it." Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room." #other @Sickipedia

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?” “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.” “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!” “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.” “Oh, okay!” #other @Sickipedia

I took my girlfriend to see Disney on Ice and it sucked It was just some old dead guy in a box #other @Sickipedia

My Tinder bio says very honestly that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, that I drive a $500k vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel... My dates are usually furious, though, when they discover I'm a bus driver. #other @Sickipedia

Did you hear about the italian who broke both of his arms? he couldn't talk for a whole month. #other @Sickipedia

Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad? Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position. #other @Sickipedia

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches. #other @Sickipedia

I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around #other @Sickipedia

I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said: "Why does everyone always ask me that?" #other @Sickipedia

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers. The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists. The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up". The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands" The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..." #other @Sickipedia