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My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively. Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha. #other @Sickipedia

Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day" #other @Sickipedia

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down". #other @Sickipedia

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. #other @Sickipedia

Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring? #other @Sickipedia

Me: "I am so tired of this workout." Trainer: "that was the tour of the gym” #other @Sickipedia

What does a terrorist say when feeding their baby? Here comes the plane! #other @Sickipedia

I was invited to my friend's wedding last week. When I reached the venue, I found two doors with "bride's guests" written on one and "groom's guests" on the other. I entered the one that said groom's guests and found two more doors, for men and women this time. I went through the one that said men, only to find two more doors. These ones had the signs "people with gifts" and "people without gifts". I went through the second one and found myself outside the venue through the backdoor. #other @Sickipedia

What do the minimum wage and the age of consent have in common? If it weren’t for the law a disturbing number of people would be comfortable going lower. #other @Sickipedia

Kids are like grizzly bears You can't run, fight, or hide - all you can do is pretend you don't see them and hope they leave you alone #other @Sickipedia

So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied. #other @Sickipedia

A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun. The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field. "You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving." The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead. So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing. He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly. The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!" But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground. The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!" But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him. Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!" But to his dismay, nothing works. Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground. He stands over the fallen soldier and says: "Tankity tank-tank." #other @Sickipedia