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A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money." #other @Sickipedia

Last Christmas my mom bought me a t-shirt saying, 'I'm a nudist.' I haven't worn it yet. #other @Sickipedia

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg An age old question was answered, the chicken #other @Sickipedia

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’ She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." #other @Sickipedia

— Sooo, did Danny like his birthday presents? — Not really.. he got excited and destroyed all the gifts with a hammer. RC car, electric train, the dollhouse, the wristwatch.. almost everything. — Oh no!.. Did he destroy my present, too? — No. Your fucking hammer is not damaged. #other @Sickipedia

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood. #other @Sickipedia

In english, they have a word that roughly translates to "i'm surrounded by water, but I'm still breathing" and i think that's beautiful. Scuba. #other @Sickipedia

I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause. Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?" #other @Sickipedia

A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt. Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man. I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly. #other @Sickipedia

I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess. #other @Sickipedia

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless. #other @Sickipedia

Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly. #other @Sickipedia