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Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..." #other @Sickipedia

The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell Tells you about the anticipated traffic. #other @Sickipedia

A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers. "What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig." "One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!" "That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?" "Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once." #other @Sickipedia

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?" #other @Sickipedia

Here’s a knock at the front door and both , grandpa and grandkid peep through the curtains… Grandpa whispers to the kid: it’s your teacher. go hide, you skipped school today. Grandkid whispers back to grandpa: you go hide, I told her you passed away #other @Sickipedia

I was fired the other day, so I handed back my badge and my gun. The boss said to me: "You work in McDonalds, where the hell did you get those?" #other @Sickipedia

A woman is angry with her husband and says… “My best friend’s husband still flirts with her in public. He touches her and kisses her. They still have sex all the time. Why can’t you do any of that?” So her husband says “It sounds like he’d be in my way. Besides, I barely know the woman.” #other @Sickipedia

I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.” Her: What’s that? Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now. #other @Sickipedia

I will be posting my jokes telepathically today. If you think of something funny, it was me. #other @Sickipedia

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer. discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea. You should have seen how mad and violent she was when got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning. Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea. #other @Sickipedia

A newly opened bar has a sign outside, beer for only $3 A man sees the sign, walks into the bar and orders a beer. After finishing the beer, the man takes out three $1 coins from his pocket, and feeling a bit mischievous, gets up from his seat, walks to one end of the counter and places a $1 coin there. He then walks over to the other end of the counter and places another $1 coin there. Finally, he walks back to his seat and places the third $1 coin right in the middle of the counter. The bartender gives him an odd look but has no other option but to walk the entire length of the bar counter to pick up the coins. This went on repeatedly over the next few days and each day the bartender felt more and more annoyed at the man's behaviour. One day, the man returns again to order a beer but realises he doesn't have enough $1 coins to place them all over the counter. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. At this point, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is finally his day to get his revenge on the man. The bartender quickly takes out two $1 coins and places them at opposite ends of the counter. With a grin on his face, the bartender goes back to the man and says, "Go on then, collect your change". The man then takes out a single $1 coin from his pocket, slides it over to the middle of the counter, and says, "One more beer, please." #other @Sickipedia

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him, and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?" #other @Sickipedia