Find similar content

Two surveyors, George and Mike, are out hunting in the woods... when they suddenly realize they've become hopelessly lost. They look every which way, but the only things they see all around them are trees. Mike sits down on a fallen log, his rifle across his lap, and says to George "Well, we're lost. What are we gonna do now?" George thinks for a second before pulling a grade stake and a sharpie from his back pocket. He writes "Benchmark" on one side of the stake and "Do Not Disturb" on the other side. Then, he uses the butt of his rifle to drive the stake into the ground. With that complete, he sits down next to Mike on the fallen log. Mike looks from the stake to George and back again before saying "How the hell is that supposed to help us?!" George just holds up one finger and says "Wait." After a few minutes, the two men can hear a rumbling sound off in the distance. It slowly gets louder and louder until finally a huge bulldozer comes crashing through the trees. It runs right over the grade stake George had put in the ground before continuing on its path through the woods. George points in the direction the bulldozer had come from and says "That way." #other @Sickipedia

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that’s long and hard? New last name #other @Sickipedia

How do you quickly stop an argument between two deaf person? Just switch off the light. #other @Sickipedia

An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?' 'Yes' replied the old man. Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time' 'Impossible!!' she bellowed. The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to' #other @Sickipedia

A guy was working on his job, then his boss asks him: -"Have you ever seen a Penguin?" -"I have never seen one", the guy replies -"HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE? GO TO HUMAN RESOURCES RIGHT NOW!" The guy goes to human resources: -"Hello, why are you here?" -"My boss sent me here because i have enever seen a penguin" -"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? YOU ARE FIRED" The guy, now sad and unemployed, goes to his house -"Why are you here so early?" his wife asks -"They fired me" the guy replies -"How so?" says his wife -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me because i have never seen a penguin" -"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?" asks his wife in shock and disbelief His wife divorces the guy and leaves the house, he is left living with his son -"Why did mom divorce you?" his son asks -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then your mom left me because i have never seen a penguin" he replies -"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW IS IT THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? I AM NO LONGER YOUR SON!" The son kicks him from the house and now he's homeless, the next day, a police officer asks him -"Why are you here in this situation? last week you had a great family and a good job and a big house" -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house because i have never seen a penguin" -"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? SIR YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning, if you wish one" The guy is sent to court to decide his sentence, the judge asks -"Why are you here sir?" -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house and i got arrested because i have never seen a penguin" The judge, in disbelief says -"HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN, YOU HAVE A LIFE SENTENCE NOW" Now the guy, unemployed, divorced, homeless and with a life sentence goes to prison, in prison his cellmates ask him how he got in prison -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested and got a life sentence because i have never seen a penguin" His cellmates in rage ask him -"WHY YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? WE'LL GIVE YOU A LESSON" then they lynch him and he dies. In heaven, Saint Peter asks him -"How did you die?" He replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence and got killed by my cellmates because i have never seen a penguin" Saint Peter says "HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?" The guy goes to hell, there, the devil asks him -"Why are you here?" The guy responds -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, and go to hell because i have never seen a penguin" -"HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN" says the devil, them the guy gets thrown into a bottomless pit, much later, he reaches the bottom, there is another guy down there named John and John asks him -"Why are you here" The guy replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, then go to hell, and then et thrown into this bottomless pit with a bottom" -"Why" asks John -"Because i have never seen a penguin" -"Me neither". #other @Sickipedia

What’s the worst thing to say in an elevator? "It's a good thing they don't have metal detectors at the entrance". #other @Sickipedia

On the first day of Trevor's freshman year in college, his English professor asked the students to state their names and one interesting fact about themselves. Trevor said, "My brother and I know the definition of every single word in the English language." A wave of laughter rolls through the auditorium. The professor raised her hands to the students. "Is that so?" she asked. "Yes, ma'am, absolute truth." She wrote the word supercilious on the board. "OK, Trevor, what does this word mean?" He looked at the board for a moment and said, "That's one that my brother knows." #other @Sickipedia

A an army Colonel is newly assigned command of a unit. On his first day, he walks by a park bench with an armed private standing guard next to it. The Colonel asks, "son, why are you standing guard by this bench?" "I wouldn't know, sir," answers the Private. "The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift." So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, "Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?" "Captain's orders, sir," answers the Sergeant. "I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard." Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. "Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?" "Sir," answers the Captain, "this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?" "No," answers the Colonel, "keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important." After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and travelled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. "General," asks the Colonel, "do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I'm now in command of?" The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, "YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN'T DRIED?" #other @Sickipedia

Guy walks to a fridge and notices a note pinned with a little magnet saying "Sorry, Tim, but I'm leaving you. You are incredibly stupid". The guy exclaims "Where the fuck do you think you are going!" and yanks the fridge's plug out. #other @Sickipedia

David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out David's Last Will and Testament. To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and two million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, the new Jaguar and $250,000. To my daughter Shriley I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my little brother Aaron, who never worked a day in his life, was always asking me for money and always said I would forget him in my will... Hello Aaron. #other @Sickipedia

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer. I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol. #other @Sickipedia

I’ve found an entry level job where you start with 4000 people beneath you Of course working at a graveyard isn’t for everyone #other @Sickipedia