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The wife is in labor and screaming in pain. The husband is holding her hand. Husband: I’m very sorry you are going through this pain. Wife: Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault. #other @Sickipedia

A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back." The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads: Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits. About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back: Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested. #other @Sickipedia

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called." #other @Sickipedia

Sugar is the only word where ‘su’ makes a ‘sh’ sound. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s right. #other @Sickipedia

Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar after a rough day and sits down for a few drinks and after a couple drinks, the bar phone rings, he gets up and yells "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!" #other @Sickipedia

God then says to them "In front of you there is staircase of exactly a thousand steps. Every time you take a step up, I will tell you a joke. If you make it all the way to the top without laughing, you will be allowed into heaven. If you laugh at one of my jokes, you will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell." The brunette goes first. She makes it the the 250th step, and laughs. God then sends her to Hell. The redhead goes next. She makes it to the 500th step and laughs. God sends her to Hell as well. The blonde goes last. She makes it to the 999th step, and laughs. God then asks her, "you were so close to the top, why did you laugh?" The blonde responds "I just got the first one." #other @Sickipedia

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?" "Your parents when you move out." #other @Sickipedia

I was talking to a woman in a bar and felt like things were going well so I ordered another round. She said “before we go any further I need to ask, what kind of date are you? I tried to be clever and said “I m the kind of date that doesn’t mind helping with the breakfast dishes.” She said “I’ve ask that more times than I care to admit and that’s the best answer ever. Let’s go to my apartment.” Check please. We got there, walk in, she says “the kitchen is right this way, you wash, I’ll dry.” #other @Sickipedia

My dog swallowed my credit card and had to be put down I don’t know what’s worse. Losing my best friend, or having to tap and pay with a dead dog. #other @Sickipedia

When I found out there were women in the military, I told the recruiter “I can’t take orders from girls!” “...because they don’t talk to me!” #other @Sickipedia

Four middle-aged Jewish women are having lunch in a restaurant. Midway through the meal the waiter comes to their table and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?" #other @Sickipedia

I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph. It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis. #other @Sickipedia