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Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven. God is standing at the gate. "Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven." Newton is up first. He shows God "Principia". God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity. God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him. Next up is Darwin. He shows God "Origin of Species". God says "You nailed it!" He lets him in. Finally, the modern Scientist is up. God asks to see his work. "Sorry", he says. "It's paywalled." #other @Sickipedia

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs. The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building. The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here." "Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?" The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road." #other @Sickipedia

A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress. He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home. As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance.. "What's up" says the acquaintance.. "Went to the other village to buy a mattress".. "How much did you buy it for?" "200" "Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day"... The man is a little pissed but walks on...and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says.. "Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day".. The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in... The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor.. Neighbor: "What's up?" At this point, the guy has no patience left and says "I went to the other village to get screwed".. Neighbor: "And you took your own mattress too?" #other @Sickipedia

This year my son receives his doctorate degree in creative writing and I'm planning on buying him a car. Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future. #other @Sickipedia

A man walks into a bar carrying a heavy suitcase. He sets the suitcase down and sits at the bar to catch his breath. He checks the time on his watch, then motions to the bartender and orders a water. "Sure thing." says the bartender. As he's pouring the water, he notices the man's watch and says "Wow, that's a fancy watch you got there." "Oh this?" the man replies, "It's packed with a bunch of cool technology. Not only can I search the web and make phone calls on it, but the coolest part is I can download movies on it. Plus it has a built-in 4K projector that will project the movie onto any flat surface, so you can watch any movie you want, wherever you want." "Wow! That's amazing," the bartender says as he places the water in front of the man. "I bet it cost you a fortune." The man takes a sip and replies, "It was $100." "$100?!" the bartender exclaims, "You're joking. I would've guessed way more than that." "No, in fact I'll sell it to you right now for $20 if you want." "Done!" the bartender says excitedly, handing the man $20 without hesitation. The man gives the watch to the bartender who immediately puts it on and starts fiddling around with it on his wrist. The man finishes the water, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he's about to walk out the door, the bartender calls out, "Wait sir, you forgot your suitcase!" The man replies, "Suitcase...? Oh! No, you'll need that. That's the battery." #other @Sickipedia

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.” She said, “16 years.” #other @Sickipedia

A buddhist monk was looking for his master. After searching for a while, he found him meditating on the other side of the river. The monk asked: "MASTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?" The master replied: "I CAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" The monk asked: "HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?" "YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!" #other @Sickipedia

Best Name For a Boat The Unsinkable II. #other @Sickipedia

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder. The old guy, "Can you please spare me some money?" The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me." He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No." #other @Sickipedia

It's a known fact that girls mature faster than boys: Girls get boobs around 13 years of age, and boy don't get boobs until about 40. #other @Sickipedia

My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and is due to pop any day now. My parents came out to visit us and to help with the baby when it arrives. I was sitting on the back porch with my father talking, and he said. "Son, you're going to be a father yourself soon. I'm very proud of you, and I think you're ready for this.* With that, he gave me a very old book, richly bound, with the title in gold letters reading "1001 Dad Jokes." My eyes filled with tears of love. "Dad." I said, around the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat, "I'm honored." My father smiled at me and said, "HI HONORED, I'M DAD." #other @Sickipedia

One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately. The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?" Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside." Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside." Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it." Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room." #other @Sickipedia