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A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?” “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.” “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!” “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.” “Oh, okay!” #other @Sickipedia

I took my girlfriend to see Disney on Ice and it sucked It was just some old dead guy in a box #other @Sickipedia

My Tinder bio says very honestly that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, that I drive a $500k vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel... My dates are usually furious, though, when they discover I'm a bus driver. #other @Sickipedia

Did you hear about the italian who broke both of his arms? he couldn't talk for a whole month. #other @Sickipedia

Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad? Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position. #other @Sickipedia

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches. #other @Sickipedia

I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around #other @Sickipedia

I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said: "Why does everyone always ask me that?" #other @Sickipedia

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers. The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists. The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up". The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands" The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..." #other @Sickipedia

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size! #other @Sickipedia

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out. #other @Sickipedia

Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death! Bard: You can count on me! Dwarf: You can count on me! Necromancer: You can count on your brother! #other @Sickipedia